Dear Readers, Crushes, Friends, and Whomever Else it May Concern (JOHN),
I'm finally figuring it out. It took about two years but after a conversation today with my best friend Hannah, things appear to be preparing themselves to fall into place.
You may have read my posts celebrating and embracing my singleness- there are plenty- and if you do understand my feelings, have you ever considered why I may be single? Some may read these posts about being single and assume I'm an ugly troll living under a bridge and I've come to terms with being single because hey, I better get used to it. That's not exactly true. It's also not true that I am just a man-hater, in fact it is quite the opposite; I fall in and out of "like" often.
The truth is, I recently became the closest I've ever been to being in a relationship with a guy I'll dub Tyler*. But twice I came close with him only to completely back off. Needless to say, I was basically acting like a crazy carny worker flipping the on-off switch on a rollercoaster ride. I have no idea why I was prone to doing this - Tyler is an amazing guy - but in the end I was simply committing a shameful, immature act. I was attempting to put all of myself into a relationship when to be honest, I don't even have all of myself. I gave my heart away years ago. I gave it away and was never afforded the opportunity to take it back.
Hopefully you read about John. We had only what you find in the movies, because as I would find out the hard way, things cannot possibly be that picture-perfect in real life. I only had it cooked up in my mind to be that way. You may have noticed I haven't finished that Childhood Love story. Why? I simply can't. Even if I were to flesh it out and write it all down it still wouldn't make an ounce of sense. It would be too painful anyway.
However, I can give you an idea in hopes you understand my madness.
To make it quick, I did have my first kiss that night with John. It completely surprised me but it was with the person I had imagined it would be with since I was ten years old. That night we sat in his pick up truck and talked about us - - our past (elementary school promises) the present (maybe prom in the spring?) and the future (staying forever in our small town?)
It was exactly what I wanted, who I wanted it with, and I sat there holding his hand, completely allowing him to realize my heart was in a puddle.
Nothing worse could have happened to a seventeen year old girl.
We bid farewell that night, and to spare you more details, our (his) texts and conversations grew shorter and became much less frequent over time. He never asked me to be his girlfriend and eventually stopped talking to me altogether. Like a high school champ, he was making out with girls in my presence. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I still haven't, and I completely refuse.
You can laugh. You can roll your eyes at the small-town high school epicness of it all, or you can try to see my side. Maybe you can realize how I gave my heart here in this small town in that pick up truck and he gladly accepted it. It was almost like he took my heart with that first kiss (or was it when we were ten?) and put it in his pocket and left it there. Two years later, I'm still waiting for it. I don't even think I want to be with John now; I'd just like my heart back where it belongs so I can have so much as an ounce of closure. He was my first love, my only love, and I can't let go. I keep holding on, whether it's for him to take me back or return my heart...I will never know. All I know is I was left nothing to work with.
"Maybe that's why you've never dated anyone since John?"
This is true. I've gone on dates but never came close to committing. Maybe I'm scaredd the same thing will happen again. But then I think, that's not possible. How can I possibly get attached if I don't have a heart to give away? So I'm absolutely stuck.
Please don't think I haven't tried: John must absolutely believe I am a lunatic these days. He has ignored simple Facebook friend requests, hit ignore on phone calls and not once has replied to a simple text message. I have given up. It is obvious whatever-that-was is through, but it's not fair. You never told me why you gave up, keeps running through my head. I wish I knew how to let go and move on.
If I saw him now, I'd just ask him to check his pocket. It's obvious that he has something that doesn't belong to him, and I'd really like it back.