Kissing is gross.
Kissing is overrated.
I will never kiss anyone ever again.
And these were the thoughts running through my head after I had my first kiss. Not exactly the moment I had cooked up in my head for seventeen years; seventeen years of watching the birthday cake-sitting on the kitchen table-scene in Sixteen Candles or the dropping the purse-in the rain-in the parking lot of the prom in Pretty in Pink. Kisses weren't supposed to be disgusting and offensive...had the entire world fooled me? Maybe kissing, love, and overall intimacy was all cooked up in Hollywood; maybe it couldn’t be truly enjoyed in “real life.”
These were all things running through my head, lying in bed on a Saturday night, nearing midnight. I had just had my first kiss, with someone I had adored for almost ten years? Not exactly how I thought it would end.
He had picked me up and we had driven around our town making small talk; our first date, even though I had crushed on him for ages. It was simple; it was nice. Then he backed up into a parking lot and we just talked. I knew in my head that he was going to kiss me that day; he knew I had never been kissed and knew I wanted my first kiss to be him. Plus, I was seventeen and scared that if I didn’t kiss someone (him) soon I would surely die an old maid. As much as I wanted it, I surely can say I did not instigate it. If only I hadn’t jumped in that pickup truck that night.
He leaned across the truck and took me by surprise. Instead of the long, drawn-out staring into each other’s eyes with an awkward passion before our lips met, I had a forceful smash of the lips to the face and a tongue halfway down my throat (or so it felt.) He backed off after I nudged him in the stomach. He slumped back with a smirk on his face and prompted conversation with, “so?”
“How does it feel?”
“How does what feel?”
“Not being a lip virgin anymore.”
Aaaaaaaand that is one of those moments in my life where I felt absolutely repulsed, disgusted, wrong. This is the guy I had liked so long; the guy I had spent my childhood dreaming about building an eternal future with? I now knew it could not work. I knew that’s not how it was supposed to feel.
But that is how it happened. I cannot take it back, no matter how much I wish I could. And that kiss did repel me from kissing. When I was thinking about how gross and overrated kissing seemed, I seriously thought that I could never enjoy it. Ever. I also figured I would steer clear of it for as long as possible.
Then, I truly fell, with someone else. This was not some crush I had inflated in my head to be deeper and more tangible than it actually was. I fell truly, totally and completely. I knew that I wanted to kiss him. I knew that I wanted to be with him. But how could I when the only time I’d done it I had absolutely loathed it?
That awkward-staring into each other’s eyes-‘til our lips met-kiss? That was with the next guy I locked lips with, the guy I truly fell for and let’s put it this way, he’s the only one I’ve kissed since.
Photos Via (We Heart It)