Thursday, June 17, 2010

An Open Letter to an Ex-Best Friend

Remember the days? We spent almost everyday together, but honestly only a few memories still clearly remain. I don't know if I pushed them out of my head or if they weren't really that important after all.

I was one of your few friends, and I never understood why people disliked you. I couldn't figure out why they were so quick to judge you and not give you a chance. I found out why the hard way.

But the things I do remember? The small things I constantly did for you; I can't remember your end ever being held up quite the same. I spent my days consoling you and simply being there for you, like a friend should, and it was so easily spit back in my face when you started making different decisions. As much as I gave you, it seriously stopped my world from turning to see it suddenly not amount to anything in your eyes.

You broke my trust. You hurt me more than anyone else in my life, even though I know that everything you took wasn't even mine. Unless you count that thing I called our friendship.
But I learned things from you after we stopped talking. I've realized that life is too short to chase things that won't happen or try to fix things that are beyond broken. Or things that turned out to not be worth the pain and obscene amount of effort.

I've learned to not be so naive; I lived months in the dark not knowing someone so close to me was tearing me down inside and out. I watch my own back now. I may be borderline paranoid and protective of myself after the total humilation you put me through.

But look where it got me to this day.
Since then, I have strived harder than ever to be successful. Success truly shows that one is happy where they are at (especially for me.) Because of it, I've become something greater than I could have imagined in the past. All thanks to you. Wait, I think I'll take the credit on that one.

Maybe you were holding me back.

So many things feel like they've even just fallen into my lap these days. Things are constantly looking forward. I haven't smiled as much in my entire life as I have in the past year.
Why does it work like this? Do things really get worse before they get better? I'm still not too sure, and after completing this letter I know I no longer need to dwell on the confusion, pain, or downright anger. Just remember, I was never upset over what actually happened but rather the fact that you purposely did it to me. You knew it would hurt me in so many ways. You knew that enough that you kept it secret from me. I was your best friend - your only friend - but you jeopardized and ruined it anyway. You went out of your way to hide it from me, and the fact that you were fine with it is what kept me up at night for so long. For too long. It's something that I've never been able to wrap my head around and maybe that's why it cut me so deep.

But I want you to remember: you did give me one of the most painful experiences I've had. But you showed me things inside myself that I couldn't see before. I see that I'm actually stronger than I previously believed. Maybe a little more mature. Whatever I may be, I'm becoming happier and the person I know I'm meant to be.
I'm sorry I was just a little footnote in your life that is obviously better without me, but I've learned more from you than you'll ever know. Maybe they weren't meant to be lessons, but I've used the pain wisely.

Lacking sincerity,
Photos Via (We Heart It)


teresa sanchez said...

i can relate.. i dont think the pain or the anger ever goes away either but that's not altogether a bad thing. just a reminder of what was gained in the process

Prachi said...

I love the way you have used the photos. Very illustrative of the loneliness.

Gossip Guy said...

I SO relate to this. To this day whenever I think of Her I wonder why I didn't see it, why my other friends weren't so keen on Her and why She kept saying such awful things about my real, true, proper friends. You could say I was naive, you could say I allowed myself to be used but what I say is there's always a silver lining. Great lessons come from deep pain and anger and in this case it was a very big lesson indeed. So I choose to be grateful for that rather than angry with someone who was never really a good friend to begin with.

Sometimes people come into our lives to highlight something.

I learnt the lesson and moved on.

Thanks for your post.
It will no doubt touch many lives.

XeL said...

This has inspired me!!! That's an awesome letter, and I completely get everything you're saying. Like your ex friend taught you, this letter has brought some things to the light for me

Tansy said...

This is exactly what happened to me. No joke. Its awful when you get stabbed in the back by a "best friend". Now every time I talk to her its like, does she really mean what she's telling me, or is it just lies? I can totally relate.

Thanks for this. It really helped me.

Kaely said...

Thank you...

You took the words right out of my mind. I've been going through the beginning stages of this with the person i've always considered to be my best friend. I don't know what i'm supposed to do without her...i don't know who i am without her right beside me.

But things are changing, and looking back on my relationship with her over the years and trying to be completely unbiased, i have to wonder if she's ever really felt the same.

I've never loved anyone as much as i love her. She's breaking my heart. And I honestly can't tell if she just doesn't notice...or if she just doesn't care. I don't know which one would hurt more.

But i've started to realize a lot of things that you talk about. Like strength in self, and so on. I hope it never gets as bad as it seems to have gotten with you two...but right now, idk...

Rodney said...

I can sympathize, for this has happened to me as well. Nothing will ever hurt like a betrayal. And it most likely won't be the last time it happens. One thing you should keep in mind, life is a series of relationships.

Don't let the issues of this past one, bleed into the next, or you might be the subject of this type of letter.

Levonne said...

You signed off "Lacking Sincerity." That threw me. Do you mean you did not mean what you said? Confused. I do know that friendships are confounding. Lately I've been sad that one of my young friends considers us to "not have anything in common" any longer because I chose to hit the road. But I'll get over it and I'll get over her too. Good work.

RAY J said...

sounds like my childhood best friend - we were close from the time we were 3 up until she came to my school for junior high. I was never popular - but she knew some of them from her youth group and so they took her in. It wasn't cool to hang out with me or my friends so we barely hung out at school, while still doing our regular thing after school (we carpooled too). But then I found out she was talking behind my back about me and family to the popular kids... she went back to public school for high school, but she blew off my birthday party for an after-football game dance and that was the final straw for me.

We didn't talk for years, but reconnected at a later time, getting together for lunch from time to time to catch up on life...

But now I don't know what her deal was - prior to my wedding, we hadn't had the chance to meet up in years. I was able to get an email address for her from an old mutual friend and contacted her that way, we emailed for awhile, then it just suddenly stopped. She came to my wedding, I unfortunately didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked as there were so many people there...

I found her on facebook a few months later, tried to keep up with her from time to time but half the time she barely responds and the rest of the time it feels like she's ignoring me - I've made mention several times in the past year or so that we should get together for lunch next time she's in town, which said she'd love to... but then I'd learn by seeing walling convos between her and another friend that she had been in town multiple times since we discussed doing lunch, and not once did she let me know... kinda annoying, I have no idea what her deal is...

The One and Only Roxie said...

This pretty much happened to me over the past few years.

I had a friend. When I met her she had had the same boyfriend for 3 years. We even used to double date. My relationship ended first, and like a good friend she was there for me. When hers ended, I was there twice over for her. I don't know how many times she called me crying in the middle of the night because she ran across something that belonged to her ex. She insisted she'd "never fall in love again" despite my urging otherwise.

Then she met a guy. He never met any of her friends, and 6 months later they were engaged. She not only didn't put me in her wedding, but she didn't even send me an invitation. SHE SNUBBED ME. Then to top it off, her boyfriend (that I've never really met, mind you) sent me an email to tell me I was just jealous and upsetting his future wife. Pretentious ass.

Some people you are just better off without. Trust me.

Sunny Insomniac said...

Wow, Jessi, you've touched so many lives. This was a great post. It makes my heart happy to see how you have used this pain as a tool to sharpen your own insight.


Also, don't do what I did and push everyone away. Those few betrayals are absolutely worth the many friends that you could've missed had you remained a loner. Wait, am I talking to you, or to me?


Anyway, loved reading your work. Keep writing!

~Sunny Insomniac

So when are you going to write a book already??

Kara said...

I had a friend like that but for that reason I never let her get that close. We spent a lot of time in the summers together but I never saw her as a best friend even when she started putting up picnik photos entitled bff of us. Then I went away to college and by March she decided she needed to "break up" with me via text and defriend me on facebook. A little overly dramatic but I decided to not give her the fight she was looking for. So I just said ok have a nice life. But I can still see her profile and she still has those bff photos up!So sad really. But she never did have many friends and the one's she did she was always starting fights with. Some people would rather start drama than actually be happy. It amazes me.

Jessi Haish said...

Thanks for all the comments; it's rather refreshing to know that many people have been in a similar situation.

@Sunny -haha me writing a book. Riiiight. That'd be something :P

Daniel Obuba said...

This is really touching...reminds me of a guy who i had and thought he was a very good friend but later found out that he was a backstabbing SoB...i forgave him one too many times but the last straw was when he slept with my GIRLFRIEND...i wish i can write him a letter like this, signed with a punch from me....this betrayals just teaches us that in life, not all those who smile and laugh with us have our best interest out hearts...
This letter has really touched me...thanks a million

serendipity said...

I can see from the comments above that loads of people have been through being treated like shit by a friend you were there for. I would sit and write all about my similar experience and how much it hurt, but the reason i'm writing is to say - the best part of this post was the part where you talk about it teaching you so much about yourself... in my case the hurt is very very recent so still gives me sleepless nights and tears some days but on the whole, i look back and realize that life just showed me what i was too blind to see back then. I think you should listen to 'I'm looking through you' by the Wallflowers (if you haven't already heard it)... it always makes me think of this

Molly said...

When I was starting out in college, I went through the same kinds of things. Like, "I give and give and give and all you do is take." Sometimes, you have to learn when to cut people. I have become more and more firm about it because it's not worth it because one misaction leads to more. I grew up in a small town too so I guess they're all the same.

Like the blog. I'd love it if youcould check mine out sometime:

Little Miss Sunshine said...

You are a beautiful writer. I have really enjoyed seeing things from your point of view!

Erica said...

Wow, that kind of made me teary. I've lost a couple of really good friends in my life over petty things. They say that later on, you regret things and it's true. And nothing stings more than the bite of regret.

laurenD said...

I can completely relate....I had the unfortunate experience of having a two-faced girl for a best friend. She pretty much only befriended me to take away the guy I'd been dating for almost 2 years then decide that she had some reason for hating me, thus leaving me alone with no friends at our college (since all our mutual friends sided with her). But, of course, if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't have realized how strong of a person I can be. All goes to show that some things are a blessing in disguise. AMIRITE??

laurenD said...
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