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I’m not writing this to get you back or to make you like me again. To be blunt, you rarely cross my mind. But when I’m laughing and happy - in those small, few moments -, I think about you. I’m not quite sure if it’s conscious – it’s more subconscious than anything else – and all the thinking can be summed up with these words – I wish you could see how I’ve grown. I wish you could see that I’ve become awesome. Because I have grown and I have changed. I’ve changed and grown so much that I can now finally see what you were. Not that you were bad. I just can now see that you weren’t right for me.
When I reflect on the last year, I think I had to go through all of our crap in order to achieve the place I’m at now. I have been motivated to somehow show this invisible, dream you that I am good enough, that I can achieve what I want and what you want and in another way, out do everything you did. I’m Student Council president next year. I’m on SAT. I’m gonna KICK BUTT on Assembly Committee. I’m trying out for the musical. And though I love all of these involvement activities, a part of me wonders all the time whether I’m just trying to prove something to you. Whether I’m doing this to show you that I had it in me all along.
I can say that I’ve moved on from you, and I’m not lying – I have. But it’s as though you became like my father – in a strange, twisted way, that is. You came, you left, and there wasn’t enough time in between there to prove myself to you. So I’m working to do that, and you aren’t here to tell me when to stop and when to delegate.
Romantically, I’ve moved on from you. But from all of your approval? I guess I’m still looking for it.
It is what stops me for that one moment, and leaves me to think in my moments of true bliss and laughter – would you love me now?
‘and honestly, I have been begging for answers.’