I'm writing this letter to you, though I have no idea who you are. You could be anyone really, I just have something to say and I'm saying it to you. I really don't know who else to say it to. The nice thing about you is you won't say anything back. Maybe I just like to say what I'm thinking and sit in the uncomfortable silence that will follow.
What is my deal the last few months? Why is it that late at night before I'm about to fall asleep I randomly cry? Why is it that when everything is right where I'd like it to be, this random sadness emerges from within and I can't control it? The worst part is that I have no reason to feel this way. Sometimes it just happens. It's not every day, it's just when things are at their best. And that's why I just don't understand.
I miss the way my writing used to be; it had life, it was funny and the things I wrote about were charming. But lately I'm realizing that I can't keep dwelling on things that gave me character in the past. It's also hard to write about things currently happening because with all the changes and things going on in my life, I feel like I'm swimming quickly upstream. Sort of being pushed along in the direction I've always wanted to go. But maybe it's going too fast.
I want to stop and wait. I want to stop and see if I can find whatever it was that made me, me. I like the way I'm going but I feel like I'm changing so much that I may lose sight of myself. Or is this what I was intended to be all along? I feel like there's no way to pull myself out of this situation to figure that out.
I'm jealous and I'm insecure. I can never determine how I feel about anything. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I feel like I'm constantly moving over one hundred miles per hour. I can't think straight, and I can't see what lies up ahead. It's truly terrifying yet it's such a flow of events that I don't want to change anything. I want a break.
I want a silence. I want to be able to step outside of myself and see what's happening. I want to be able to see what's changing, if anything at all. I want to know why I feel so different. Is my place in the world changing as I'm growing or am I becoming something different? Is this what I want? I just wish it was easier to get off this track for a moment and figure out what's going on at this very moment in time. But I know that I won't find that moment and I'll keep moving on, plunging into things that I could never understand. But I'll always be the one taking the toll.
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