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Friday, October 22, 2010

Guest Post: Wings

Ahh, here is a new guest post from one of my favorite bloggers (of all time!) Mandy over at Sunny Insomniac. Be sure to check out her blog if you haven't already! And don't forget you can shoot your guest post submissions over to yours truly at jhaish09@gmail.com Have a great weekend, blogland!

Wings [Playlist for reading: Dreamer - Tiny Vipers]

It was stupid. No, it wasn’t just stupid, I almost ruined everything. It was such an easy thing. Like turning a lock. Or pulling a trigger. Even now, I struggle sometimes. The smallest thing will make me think of you. And then all those feelings come flooding back and settle in my cheeks, reminding me of something shameful I once surrendered to. Will the feelings ever go away or have I opened Pandora’s forbidden box? It didn’t feel forbidden at the time—not exactly. It felt…exciting. Free. Unexplored. Like I was running all out toward a cliff, thinking I could leap into open space and just...fly. But then, at the moment when I reached the edge, I realized I had no wings. And never had them to begin with.

Oh, the lies we tell ourselves. They’re good, aren’t they? Not really.

I want to tell you that we could work as friends, that we could somehow go back. But I know that can never be. I can't step back from that ledge. We are stuck there forever. But I can’t help but wonder what your reaction would be if I ever were to tell you that I miss you. Would you reflect my own feelings back at me? Would you feel sorry for me and want it to start all over again? Or would you simply view it as confirmation of your power over me? What’s sad is, I don’t really know you. I know who I wanted you to be, but was that who you really were? I don't think so. Or you wouldn't have done what you did to me.

Now I’m telling myself to stop thinking about it, because it’s over. It should be over. I should never think of you again.

But there was that moment. That moment when you did a little dance, smiling at me. You stole a small portion of my heart. You stole it, knowing it was already taken. Will I ever get it back? Probably not. Because it wasn’t mine to give. My heart belonged to someone else, and yet, I offered it up to be taken anyway.

I have so much already. I cannot believe I was so willing to throw it all away. It was a slow poisoning. Tasteless and scentless at first, camouflaged by my own pride, selfishness and stubborn heart.

And now? Now I want to blame you. It was all your fault. You poisoned me. You caused me to open that damn box.

But that’s not true. You may have given me the poison—given me the box. But I drank the poison. I opened the box.

Staying on the ground. I’m staying right here, where I truly am happy—fulfilled. On this earth I may not be able to fly, but I can build. Besides, air is air. But the earth…the earth is so varied and beautiful and powerful in its vastness. I’m keeping my feet on the ground, where they belong.

But thinking of you...I know what would’ve happened.

It would have felt like flying. The rush and thrill of the air flowing past my ears, my legs free from the burden of my own weight. Yeah. It would’ve felt like flying.

For a while. But I wouldn’t be flying.

I’d be falling.

And then I’d be dying.

Because, you see…

I have no wings.



Photo via Mandy

2 comments:

slynnard said...

This is beautiful.

Deidra said...

I can identify with a lot of things in this post.

I like it.

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