Friday, October 29, 2010

An Open Letter to My "Grandmother"

Dear "grandmother,"

I saw you the other day. You jumped into your truck in a parking lot near my work. You didn't see me but I sure as hell saw you. You were far away, and because I never wear my glasses, you were blurry.

But you've always been blurry to me. I don't understand you; you're a haze. When I see you, I don't feel that tug anymore. I just see this person who I don't know anymore. Or maybe that I never even knew. Maybe that's why I'm still not feeling anything now.

Do you know how much I struggled when I was younger? I was trying so desperately to figure out what I'd done wrong. What I'd done to make you want nothing to do with me. I'd had you in my life prior; why did you one day vanish?

I always tried to put the blame on myself or my parents for your sudden disappearance. But when I see you around town or down the street now I know; it was truly your decision. It was truly your mistake; it was really your loss.

It's something I've had to get used to. Although it would have been nice to have had a grandmother in my life, it's probably better to be without than feel the true and utter disappointment of knowing that someone so close to you is a complete failure. At least this way I know you aren't plaguing my life with wrong decisions and questionable choices. But that doesn't mean that I never cared.

But one day I looked around - - outside of the haze. I saw the people who have been there for me; the people who will always be there for me. Since you couldn't fulfill that I let you slip. I let you slip through my fingers like grains of sand. Time is too precious to sop up with disappointment and heartache. That's why it's time to let go. When you look through me like I don't exist, and this time I don't feel anything, I know that I've moved on.

Best of luck with whatever you're doing. I will never know and I don't care to know. Don't even try... not that you would. I like the haze between us, it protects and cushions me from a low blow that I don't deserve.



photos via (we heart it)


Molly said...

LOVED the way you said you weren't wearing your glasses so your "grandmother" was blurry, but how she's always been blurry. A very witty way of saying it.

UjjwalRaaj said...

Make peace with your past. It will catch up with you.

Wonderful images.

Love and hugs :)

Chris said...

I do think that she had and has no right to do what she is doing. Going from caring about you to not saying anything to you or your family. Maybe her problems make her that much more insecure about herself, im not making excuses for her, just making a statement that she is who she is. Im glad that it doesn't hurt you anymore because that isn't fair, and Im sorry that it ever happened in the first place.


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