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Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Free.


I've been thinking about how what we do in the past affects our future endeavors. In the moment, what we are doing may not seem like a big deal, but down the line our actions can change everything.

Everything that I'm doing today, everything that I'll do the rest of the year...what kind of a person does that make me? What am I going to think of the decisions that I've made? I can only hope that I'll be proud of myself. But what if I do something that I can't shake myself of? What if I do something that haunts me and I can't let it go?

At least for the time being I'm simply happy. I'm content where I am and I like what I'm doing. At least for now I haven't run into any big trouble. At least for now I'm alright. There's not much that I've done that I would want to alter, if anything at all. What bothers me the most is the way I've been treated. Unfortunately I've been dwelling on it too much for my own good.

But what can I say? I'm a terrible over-thinker. I know this, you know this. Yet I still dwell on things. When I see people from high school and I think about the things they've done; I know I'm over it but I know I won't let it go. I know that they've personally tainted their image for me. If anything at all, I'd like to know why they did the things they did to me. Why they said those things. If I even instigated it all, and why one day I just let it fall from my shoulders.

I like the weightless air on my back now. I'm free. I like knowing that things are where I currently want them. But what if one day I realize that it simply wasn't enough? What happens when one day I realize that it was for nothing? I can only hope that I haven't tripped myself up into a constant hurricane. But for now I'm content, and I fear that I don't have my walls up for the first time ever. That only means I can be hit so much harder.


photo via (we heart it)

5 comments:

Maryam said...

I count myself as an overthinker too, so I guess I can relate :)
I think writers do tend to be the kind that ponder over things a lot. Nothing really wrong with that. And the same goes for me- when I meet people from high school, I always realize that I can forgive, but not forget. And that's how it has to be.

UjjwalRaaj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
UjjwalRaaj said...

You've got your third overthinker. There was a time when I calculated tuition/living costs, for berklee college of music when I was in the 9th grade. I also dealt with a case of clinical anxiety.

I think that people evolve over time. And there will always be decisions you've regretted making, people and incidents that haunt you.

But all said and done, the fact that you are , where you are and you are what you are, is because of the things that happened.

I've heard that Navy SEALs are brainwashed to live for every 2 hours or something, like they're psychologically programmed not to think too much or too much into future.

*sigh*

$|<@77€®|\/|1|\||)€|) said...

If you are happy in the moment, then there is nothing else that matters. Even if the decisions down the road aren't always the best or what they could have come out to be, it doesn't mean that they were the wrong decisions to make during the moment. The only reasons the decisions can be the wrong ones today are if you make a decision and it either makes you sad, or has an outcome that isn't anywhere near what you wanted it to be, and even then it doesn't necessarily mean that it was the wrong decision, it may just mean that it wasn't the decision that needed to be made at that time.

There are many ways to think about the decisions that you are making at the exact moment you are making them, and one of the ways that you can know is that if you have ever been through that situation before yourself, or if anyone else around you then, or in the past has put you through whatever you think you may end up going through with that decision. As long as the decision you make makes you happy then there shouldn't be any thoughts that the right decision wasn't made, because it is the decision that you wanted to make so that is all that matters from the decision making process.

XeL said...

"I know I'm over it but I know I won't let it go."
Just YES!!!! Finally, a statement that sums up my way of thinking. Fantastic!

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