Thursday, November 11, 2010
a girl of many words.
I made a huge mistake my freshman year of high school. I was done with middle school, I was so over it; all I wanted was a fresh start. So I did the dumbest thing I could have ever done.
I destroyed all my notebooks.
All the notebooks with my woes, excitements, feelings and ponderings from as long as I could write. One day I sat down and just read them. I was sick of reading about the same guy I had pined over for years and didn't want anything to do with me. So for some reason I thought that the best way to get over it and him was to destroy the evidence.
(It didn't even work. I would pine over him for three more years after this.)
But I did it. I remember sitting in my bedroom tearing out some pages, and then ripping the notebooks altogether when going page by page took too long. Years of memories, evidence of my growth as a writer...gone. Then I shoved them in plastic bags and buried them at the bottom of the trash. When the garbage truck took them away later that week, I felt so...free. Light. But I didn't realize how silly it was to have ever done it at all.
As long as I can remember, I've been some sort of a writer. In elementary school I was writing short stories for Young Author competitions. In middle school I was filling diaries with my woes of having few friends and too much boy drama to recall. In high school I was writing scripts and poetry for my creative writing class, and articles for my high school paper. This carried over to college, where I now have this blog where I write whatever comes to me. And when I say whatever, I mean whatever.
Almost any thought I deem worth a glance is put on this blog. Some people call that "honest." Some people call it "fluff." But with little free time to write and no other outlet do it in, what we have is this blog.
There are times I wish I still had them all. I miss those notebooks. I know I would love to read them, see how I've progressed not only as a writer but a person. But they're gone. When I'm looking for something to post on my blog, I always want to reach for a notebook on the shelf but I know the pages are blank. With my busy schedule the past few years, it's rare that I can even find the time or inspiration to write like I used to.
I know that in the moment it felt like the best decision, but if I could change anything I've ever done, I know exactly what it would be.