Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Hey, I'm Human. And Complicated.
Yes, let's call it that.
It's easiest to call me complicated. If you break it down into why I'm complicated, it just sounds horrific and messy. Most of you would turn the other way and run.
Honestly, I'm uptight. I 'judge' people who party and drink their weekends away. I honestly think I'm better than them because I've made it this long without doing it. I feel like I have more going for me and that I'm more mature. It makes me uptight. I look down upon those people to be honest. Even if they don't truly deserve it. Even if they are the greatest people when they aren't intoxicated. I'm still judging them.
I'm the most jealous person you'll ever meet. I'm jealous when any ounce of attention or limelight pulls away from me. I literally feel a burning rage in my chest when I feel competition in any aspect of my life. I can't handle how it makes me feel.
I can be honest. Too honest. Some may say they respect my honesty and admire me for it. But it's gotten me into more trouble than I care to think about. And to think I've been letting this side out more and more in retaliation of being walked all over. It's truly making me look like a jerk more than making myself feel better.
I can be conceited. But it's making up for all the times I've felt unworthy or just self-conscious. It's apparent in my shining moment of glory - for the entire moment that it may last. But I bottle it and flash it around. But that's not really me.
Is any of this really me or is it something I'm trying on? Something I'm trying because I'm sick of the way things have been going for me. I figure if I don't want to be screwed over I need to be completely honest and open so people know what I want. But if they don't give it to me I get ugly. If what they say about creating yourself instead finding yourself is true...what is the monster I've created? Or do I need to keep going in this direction because the only person you can trust is yourself? Lately it's been me against the world and I'm not sure if I'm going to change that or if I even want that to change.
I'm just me. This is who I am and I'm adopting a "if you don't like it, shove it" attitude it seems. I'm not sure if this is the best option, but for those who stick around...I love you. I think after years of being silent and taking crap I'm finally finding my voice. For the first time I'm going to stand my ground. Now how complicated is that?