Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hey, I'm Human. And Complicated.

I'm fairly...complicated.

Yes, let's call it that.

It's easiest to call me complicated. If you break it down into why I'm complicated, it just sounds horrific and messy. Most of you would turn the other way and run.

Honestly, I'm uptight. I 'judge' people who party and drink their weekends away. I honestly think I'm better than them because I've made it this long without doing it. I feel like I have more going for me and that I'm more mature. It makes me uptight. I look down upon those people to be honest. Even if they don't truly deserve it. Even if they are the greatest people when they aren't intoxicated. I'm still judging them.

I'm the most jealous person you'll ever meet. I'm jealous when any ounce of attention or limelight pulls away from me. I literally feel a burning rage in my chest when I feel competition in any aspect of my life. I can't handle how it makes me feel.

I can be honest. Too honest. Some may say they respect my honesty and admire me for it. But it's gotten me into more trouble than I care to think about. And to think I've been letting this side out more and more in retaliation of being walked all over. It's truly making me look like a jerk more than making myself feel better.

I can be conceited. But it's making up for all the times I've felt unworthy or just self-conscious. It's apparent in my shining moment of glory - for the entire moment that it may last. But I bottle it and flash it around. But that's not really me.

Is any of this really me or is it something I'm trying on? Something I'm trying because I'm sick of the way things have been going for me. I figure if I don't want to be screwed over I need to be completely honest and open so people know what I want. But if they don't give it to me I get ugly. If what they say about creating yourself instead finding yourself is true...what is the monster I've created? Or do I need to keep going in this direction because the only person you can trust is yourself? Lately it's been me against the world and I'm not sure if I'm going to change that or if I even want that to change.

I'm just me. This is who I am and I'm adopting a "if you don't like it, shove it" attitude it seems. I'm not sure if this is the best option, but for those who stick around...I love you. I think after years of being silent and taking crap I'm finally finding my voice. For the first time I'm going to stand my ground. Now how complicated is that?


Anonymous said...

Seems pretty simple to me.

Chunky Knubby Navel said...

I think most people are either very complicated, or so complicated that they're not complicated at all. Good luck on your quest for change =)


Puput Nopitasari said...

Be ourselves in good. Yeah if there are people who don't like us, it's their problem.
But we don't live alone, so I think we should respect each other too. :)

Grace said...

Standing your ground and being open and honest is going to help you in the long run. Even though it may cause problems now...i think down the road you will be grateful for this trait, and people will respect you and trust you more for it.

I love your honesty in your post. Don't be too hard on yourself, but sometimes it is good to reflecto n our character flaws, I think it helps us grow.

Rodney said...

This is a multi-faceted issue. Given your published history of keeping quiet, there are going to be times when you lash out unnecessarily. That's just a matter of learning control.

But there are times when you need to lash out or not be yourself. Those are the times you should not beat yourself over.

Never feel bad about being yourself, flaws and all. Any fool can go through life without offending people. Being true to yourself is much harder.

TexasGirl said...

I think being yourself,and understanding who that person is and remaining true to it is admirable. I think that it's good to stand up for yourself; it's not always necessary to be mean about it, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an opinion and remaining true to it.

As for the rest, without flaws, we wouldn't be human. Recognizing that the flaws are there, and understanding them is part of maturity and adult hood.

That's my opinion anyway. Great post, interesting read.

Ashton King said...

I have mixed feelings on this, feelings that I'm not sure I can explain adequately. I'm all for standing up for yourself and not getting walked on, but at the same time I think there's a way to do that without overdoing it.

The whole attitude you say you're adopting may work well for you in college, but I think you'll find once you get out in the so-called real world that people won't respond very well to it. Trust me, I work with a girl who has that same attitude and the general consensus among her coworkers, me included, is that she's rude and hard to work with. Her "if you don't like it, shove it" attitude is so extreme that it appears as if she thinks the whole world revolves around her and her desires. If things don't go exactly as she thinks they should, she goes ballistic and makes everyone else miserable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, you should definitely stand up for yourself but don't turn into my coworker.


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