Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Yes. I'm Still Here, Still Jessi.
I was so content with staying at home, going to school, and keeping my job.
That is, until everyone else comes home from break.
When they come into my work, a place they've been seeing me at since we were sixteen, my stomach ties up in a knot. It's because of the looks I receive from my former classmates.
They look at me strange as they first realize who I am (although we've only been out of high school for 2 years.) They realize who I am, then decide they do not want to acknowledge me even though they know who I am. Then, they give me one of a few looks.
They may look at me with pity. Aww what is she still doing here? Isn't she going to school? Why is she still doing what shes always done? What's wrong with her? These are all questions their eyes seem to ask.
They may look at me like I'm dirt. Haha that's sad that shes here. She's probably not even going to school. Why can't she grow up? What's wrong with that girl? These are all things I hear them saying in my head.
They usually look at me like I am beneath them. Haha I can't believe she is still here. She's probably going to community college too, while still working at the movie theater. Talk about the living example of high school part two. I bet she hasn't accomplished anything yet. If she ever does. I'm so glad I got out and did something with my life. These are the things that I hear them say in my head when they look at me.
I know I shouldn't care. And it's not like it happens enough a year that I'd need to work on dealing with it. But when it's Christmas break and I start seeing everyone from high school, it makes me wonder what they think of me. Although I try not to care about these things, I can't help it. I can't escape them and their judging eyes: whether they are pitying or just critical. I can't handle it. And even though I've accomplished so much they don't know that. They just see me doing what I've always done, and maybe there's something wrong with that. Maybe I do need change? Or maybe I need a new perspective. All I know is I can't change theirs.
I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm in this routine that I can't break. I realize that I'm older, things are changing, but so many things are remaining the same that I feel like I can't break free. I keep seeing all these people that quite frankly I don't want to see: I want them out of my life. I want to move on and just live. But with these constant reminders of the life I can't escape, I feel like I'm running with no destination.
photo via (we heart it)