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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Yes. I'm Still Here, Still Jessi.


I was so content with staying at home, going to school, and keeping my job.

That is, until everyone else comes home from break.

When they come into my work, a place they've been seeing me at since we were sixteen, my stomach ties up in a knot. It's because of the looks I receive from my former classmates.

They look at me strange as they first realize who I am (although we've only been out of high school for 2 years.) They realize who I am, then decide they do not want to acknowledge me even though they know who I am. Then, they give me one of a few looks.

They may look at me with pity. Aww what is she still doing here? Isn't she going to school? Why is she still doing what shes always done? What's wrong with her? These are all questions their eyes seem to ask.

They may look at me like I'm dirt. Haha that's sad that shes here. She's probably not even going to school. Why can't she grow up? What's wrong with that girl? These are all things I hear them saying in my head.

They usually look at me like I am beneath them. Haha I can't believe she is still here. She's probably going to community college too, while still working at the movie theater. Talk about the living example of high school part two. I bet she hasn't accomplished anything yet. If she ever does. I'm so glad I got out and did something with my life. These are the things that I hear them say in my head when they look at me.

I know I shouldn't care. And it's not like it happens enough a year that I'd need to work on dealing with it. But when it's Christmas break and I start seeing everyone from high school, it makes me wonder what they think of me. Although I try not to care about these things, I can't help it. I can't escape them and their judging eyes: whether they are pitying or just critical. I can't handle it. And even though I've accomplished so much they don't know that. They just see me doing what I've always done, and maybe there's something wrong with that. Maybe I do need change? Or maybe I need a new perspective. All I know is I can't change theirs.

I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm in this routine that I can't break. I realize that I'm older, things are changing, but so many things are remaining the same that I feel like I can't break free. I keep seeing all these people that quite frankly I don't want to see: I want them out of my life. I want to move on and just live. But with these constant reminders of the life I can't escape, I feel like I'm running with no destination.

photo via (we heart it)

10 comments:

Grace said...

don't worry about what people may or may not be thinking about you. you have a lot to take pride in of yourself. so be proud!

at least you have a job...many of those people probably don't, and may not be able to find one when they graduate from college.

just do your own thing. you're amazing.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sarah said...

To all you anonymous commenters: GROW A PAIR! If you really think that what you have to say is so important, and going to affect someone THAT much, at least own up to it and don't hide behind the anonymity that the Internet provides you! Cowards.

Jessi, I'm going through something similar to you. I went away to a 4-year school for my first 3 semesters, then cam home because it was simply too difficult with having a deadline for declaring a major, etc. People I graduated with 3 years ago (yes, I graduated in 2008 and I'm not finished my associates' degree yet, who cares!) asked me what I was doing there and all the same questions. I'm sure they thought less of me. But here's the thing: I'm not less of a person. You're not less of a person. They are the ones who are less of people for thinking the way that they do. For some, community college is the perfect starting point. It saves money, and in my case, it has helped me regain self-confidence that I can be successful and choose a career path. If I hadn't gone through all the struggling I had gone through and come home to cc, I would never have realized that my true calling is in psychology/psychiatry. My point here? You and I are probably going to do more awesome things with our lives than those who judge us. Rock on sister, you're a rockstar in your own right! :)

Roosterruler said...

Haha - oh goodness.

I am in semi-in your position but not in completeness. Over in Seattle, I guess maybe it's just more common to go to community college? I know a lot of high school folks who went there instead of the uni.

It was something I almost struggled with but I talked my way through it.

"Margaret, you had your adventure, lived away from home, back when you were 16. Now's your time to stay home... for another 2 months."

"Margaret, you know this is where you belong, you know that community college is *just* right for you."

"Margaret, it would be a waste of money to not live at home now. Take advantage of the fact you can live at home without getting looks at 20 and get out by 22."

Etc.

Anyways, lady, it's all you. You need to change your perspective, like you said. Well, you said, "maybe." No, this is certainty. Because throughout life folks are going to look at you with looks of disapproval and you need to be set in who you are and what you've done enough to not care. Because when you start caring too much, well, that's when I feel like they really have the right to judge.

It can seem like we're on this no-destination path. Keep in mind what you're goal is - and how close you are to getting it. Start exploring what you're going to do with your life after you achieve that goal. Where are you going to go? How are things going to be different? Are you content enough to keep them the same?

Molly said...

Awww, I can kind of relate to what you're feeling. However, a lot of people around here just go to the community college, so it really isn't all that weird to see people from my past. Don't think of it like everyone is judging you. Think that you are smart, because you are getting the same education all of those other people do, except for cheaper. You have more time to figure out what you want to do, before they force you to make a decision.

scc said...

I'm sorry you feel that way. I can't imagine someone with such a creative soul could ever be stuck in a rut. No matter what your physical location may be, you will shine above others.

Sana Ali said...

Oh my gosh! I felt the same exact way today. I commute to a University but I still live in my hometown, which is small. It sucks seeing people and there's that awkward moment where you don't know whether or not to say hey. And it sucks even more when they don't even acknowledge you. Like okay, I've only known you since elementary school. A wave of the hand or a small smile isn't going to kill you! But dude I feel your pain. I try so hard not to care, but it never works out. I just look at it this way. In a couple weeks they'll be gone and you won't have to deal with their judgmental stares. At least that's how I'm trying to see it.

Deidra said...

You know, it is true that you said straight out in one of your recent posts that you judge other people. If they are judging you, are you blaming them for that? Just trying to understand.

Jessi Haish said...

What can I say? I'm just a 20 year old girl trying to figure out her place in life. Being judged is always going to happen...and it sucks. I know I can't handle it very well. But I'm human and realize I'm not perfect: I'm flawed and I judge others. I realize this though; I'm not in denial. The world isn't perfect and neither am I. Everyone lives by different rules and morals. I'm just one person who isn't afraid to be flawed. I'm still figuring stuff out too.

violet said...

Sarah: I TOTALLY agree what you say about Anonymous commentors!

Jessi: You know, you really don't need to bother that much about what others think about you. What matters is what you think about yourself. If you think you're awesome, you are, or if you're not, you will be. Be confident! :) :)
By the way:

"Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore." -unknown author
'It is vital that you remain conscious of and continuously believe that everything is possible and you must not allow others to negate your thoughts, beliefs, dreams or ideas. This Universe is yours to discover and you have the capacity to create anything you truly desire in your life.
You simply need to confront your fears, take risks, and proceed with passion and determination. Your higher self has no limits and has no fears, however, it is necessary to detach from your ego in order to access the higher being that resides within you.'
-'Your Daily Walk With the Great Minds' by Richard A. Singer Jr.

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