Monday, January 03, 2011

Confession: My Mind Gets the Best of Me.

The things that I have no control over are the things that cut me the deepest. The things I can't change are the things that keep me up at night. The things I have nothing to do with are the things that wont leave me alone. My mind gets the best of me. I know I'm an over-thinker, but this feels much deeper than that. I'm letting myself get worked up over things that I can't do anything about -- and it's tearing me apart.

I realize that there's nothing I can do to change what's already happened but it still bothers me. The past is kicking my ass.
I can be totally head over heels for someone, but when I'm alone I find myself sad that they had a life before me. One that I wouldn't understand. A life that I had nothing to do with -- I wasn't even in the picture. I can then become worried that that 'other' life may come back and replace me. Because if it was there, can it ever go away? Even though I'm constantly reminded that it wont happen.

I still get scared.
I have no reason to be this way. But I can't figure out how to let things go and get them off my mind. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't change anything and nothing will ever change. It's all history, set in stone, stuck in the past. Yet I'm still dwelling on it. Even though it's truly none of my business, I'm letting it kill me. I wish I knew how to escape it. I wish I knew how to let it go. I know I can't go back and erase things, or change things to my liking but if I had the chance I would in a heartbeat.

I know there's so much wrong with getting upset over something that can't be fixed. But I feel like this problem can't be fixed.

photo via (we heart it)


Molly said...

Man, I do the same thing. Hang in there, girl.

John Watson said...

You will never be able to live life until you learn to live with your own mortality. So many people run around thinking that they are God, and that they can change what they want by ignoring it; thinking they can change what they want...but we are mortal and can do nothing but scream at the wall...

But we are alive; and frankly I think God would die to be mortal....

Geordie said...

i do the exact same thing, but when you really think about it, very hard, you kinda realise that all things that happened in the past lead too the present and the present leads too the future, so really the past cant replace you, but you can replace it, the paste is mere memories : )

I love the way you think and write


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