Guest Post: An Open Letter to Someone I Thought Would Be There Forever
I’m sure many people have written letters similar to the one I am about to write. But I’d like to share my letter anyway. -Siobhan
You think that I’ve caused you pain, but truth is, you will never see my tears. You will never see the way you made me feel.
You think you’re the only one who was hurting. You weren’t.
You may call me a coward, or even a bitch. I am more of the latter. I had to walk away, I had to let you go; as hard as it was to breathe at the time, it was never a decision I took lightly. I had to be brave.
In order to forgive you for everything you did to me (no doubt I didn’t have to let you do what you did), I don’t want you in my life anymore.
As time went by, I started to feel less worthy around you. You made me feel that way and I allowed it. I didn’t fit into your elite club anymore. I wish I did. I didn’t feel worthy enough for you to try to keep our friendship.
I started to feel you change. You weren’t the funny, always there for me type of person you were. Maybe money changed you when you joined the elite club? Maybe I didn’t tell you enough that I liked you the way you were? Maybe you don’t even think you’ve changed and that you’re just the same.
I don’t see the same person anymore. I wish I did.
As time went by I don’t know what happened. You just seemed less interested in me and because I felt that, I pulled away. You seemed less interested in our friendship. I think that is so unfair because I was always there for you – disastrous times with your ex boyfriend, depression times when you couldn’t find a job, when you fought with your family, when you had no one, when you felt like a failure – it was me who was there.
It hurts me that when I was going through a tough time, I had to face it on my own. You were unavailable.
I always tried to make things work. You tried to find the best excuse: “I don’t know what to do”.
I know this was our second time trying to be friends, and I think I should’ve realized that this time would be no different. You used me once and you would do it again, as you so clearly did. I don’t regret it because sometimes we have to hit our heads numerous times before we learn from the mistake.
You’re kind of selfish, making everything about you. That hasn’t changed.
I remember I told myself and you, that if I get married, you’d be my matron of honor. That dream is now lost somewhere amongst the memories of our friendship.
Looking at our memories, photos together, we seemed like good friends. Now I am not so sure anymore. If you couldn’t really be a friend now, were you ever really a friend to me? Did I just misconstrue my reality? I feel like our friendship was fake.
I wish you stopped making excuses and tried anything; at least it would’ve been something. I wish I didn’t feel so stupid for making you my “everything” because now that I’ve cut you away, I realize I’m left with nothing.
In spite of nothing, I have room to rebuild now.
Someone else will be grateful for my friendship. Someone else won’t be so stupid as to let me go because I’m the friend-for-life. Someone else won’t want me to cut them out of my life and will try to always keep our friendship intact. Someone else will want to be there for me, not just in the good times, but also in the bad times.
You could’ve been that person, but alas so it is not so hey?
Go on in peace.
Know that I don’t hate you; I never did, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. There was always love for you and a longing for our friendship. Know that if I don’t ever want to see you again, it is not really because of you, it is my choice. Accept my choice, you don’t have to approve, just accept it.
Be happy in whatever you do.
And lastly, I ask that the next friend who does come around, don’t be so stupid as to let that person go. You aren’t going to get unlimited chances if you keep messing them up. APPRECIATE what you have and NEVER forget where you came from. If it wasn’t for me, our memories, and your family, you wouldn’t be where you are. We play a part too.
APPRECIATE what you have.
For more of Siobhan's writings, check out her blog here.