Wednesday, April 06, 2011

what i've done.

How many times have you gotten in the way of yourself?

I can't stop thinking about it. It's barely been twenty-four hours and I feel like I've completely shattered my world from the floor up. I'm tired of being so brash, I'm tired of living my life like it's a series of important decisions.

For once, I'd like to just live. Especially in the present. I've been so wrapped up in the future that I forgot about what was right in front of me. I took what I had for granted. I saw an escape from what I thought wasn't good enough so I threw it carelessly out the window.

I don't know what's going on with me. More than ever, I want to fix it. But I'm pretty sure that was my last chance. It's all over. If only I wasn't so demanding. If only I wasn't so stubborn. Pushy. Difficult. Guarded. If only I could take it all back.

They keep saying maybe it's for the best. I told myself that for a short while too. But it never completely settled with me.

Maybe I should have tried harder, maybe I could have worked this out. Maybe I should have been more appreciative. I keep putting the blame elsewhere but it truly should be resting with me. And now that I'm alone, it is. But I could never let it before. It's hard to deal with myself right now. I'm truly not proud of what I've done -- of what we've done.

photo via (we heart it)


Erica said...

Interesting...makes me want to know more, read more! (that's the sign of a good writer). You're right about living in the present. For me, there's nothing like a medical scare to truly appreciate what you have in front of

UB said...

I guess I am not the only one who feels like this. Nicely wriiten.

Epiphany said...

UB, no, none of us are alone and all of us have been here.

Self-sabotage is one thing, especially when you realize it (like ME), but....I believe this one thing: Everything happens for a reason and the way it's supposed to. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes it forces you to learn more, but in the end it's always the way it's supposed to be. It may come back to you, it may not, but lessons learned make us better. It's life and we only get better with age and experience.

Keep the faith and give yourself a MAJOR break, sweetie!


Shannon said...

I am and have always been my own biggest obstacle. Stubborn, difficult and guarded - hmm, I'm afraid to say that might be a family trait as I too encompass all of those words and more. I'm trying to overcome them currently - also hoping that I can let lose and enjoy life instead of planning for the worst.

TexasGirl said...

I can completely relate. A year ago I screwed up something that mattered a great deal to me. I'm still working out how to deal. That's life. I hope things work out for you. People love to say that there's a reason for everything, even when we can't see it. Hang in there.

Epiphany said...

Jessi - you bet! You're welcome. Love to follow great women. xo


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