Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Late Night Thought: the right choice.
After a huge decision, you eventually have a moment. Eventually, you realize in a big way that you made the right or wrong decision. If you made the wrong decision, you usually run out to fix it, but if you've made the right decision, you just want to put your feet up and relax.
Things have been so hard lately. Relationships make you vulnerable. You have to be vulnerable to be in a true relationship. If you're going to give everything to someone, if you're going to show them all of you, your true colors, you're vulnerable. It may seem like you're in control because you chose to let them in, but they truly hold all the power. Because you can give everything to them and one day they can choose to throw it all away. Coping with the loss is so much harder than all the work you went through to even get near the possibility of any sort of outcome.
Realizing that you let your guard down to only get smashed is the worst feeling. I hate feeling used. Stupid. Naive. But it's happened, and it's done and over with. You want to move on, but you secretly hope they don't. You hope they feel as much pain as you do. It's not mature, but that's how I am.
I wish none of the bad stuff happened. But it's not possible. But one day you realize you made the best choice. And it finally feels completely right. Letting go doesn't always mean giving up. And you're content. Then you let yourself over think some more. I may still be hurting, I may still be upset. But I know I made the right choice in letting go of something that was swallowing me whole. The lies were taking over my life, and I'm not sure what was real, if any of it was real. Yes I feel used, stupid and naive. I can't change any of it, but I can choose whether or not to learn from it.
I want to learn from it. Because I want to reach the point where one day I wake up and I feel fine. Not phased at all. One day I won't be going through all the "what if's" and "why not's." That day is definitely not today, but I realized today that I did the right thing and therefore someday I will get to that point. Someday I'll learn to trust again. Someday I'll be vulnerable again. But it will be worth it.
photo via (we heart it)