I'm going to be completely honest. It may scare you and it is probably going to scare me later. But for now I'm going to do what I love most....just write. So here goes something.
You wait patiently for nineteen years, thinking that once you find that right person, all the waiting is going to have been worth it. Then something comes along and although it's not extraordinary, it's comforting. You feel like you are half of something, and you think that half of something is great. It simply makes you happy. And although there are problems, you get over them. Together. Things get better, and everything is alright again.
Then one day you follow your gut on a whim (you've always been one to follow your head instead) and you find out things you wish you didn't know. People get defensive. Words get thrown. Feelings get hurt. After this happens fifty times, the truth comes out. The truth is...it was all a lie.
You can give everything you have to a person. You can love them with all you have. Then you realize they aren't the person you loved. You loved someone who was made up. You opened up to someone who couldn't even be honest about who they were. And you sit there feeling repulsed at yourself. How could I have missed this? You ask yourself angrily. How could I have been so naive?
You start to reflect on every moment, every touch, every laugh. Was it real? Was any of it real? When's the last time things were right? And you just make yourself sad. You dig yourself a deep hole and you just sit in the bottom of it alone. Wondering why you ever gave in and trusted someone in the first place.
And as much as you try to tell yourself you don't regret any of it, it's difficult to make yourself actually believe that. Can you actually believe that? You're embarrassed. You were the last to know. You're angry. You're absolutely humiliated. And you're completely alone.
Because you can keep hitting redial but it's not going to do anything. It's not going to change everything that happened. You can't look at someone or something the same after they've been something you don't know. You're in pieces on the floor, wondering what you did to deserve this. How did I get myself into this mess?
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