Saturday, October 08, 2011

Lies, empty promises...and other things he told me.

I'm going to be completely honest. It may scare you and it is probably going to scare me later. But for now I'm going to do what I love most....just write. So here goes something.

You wait patiently for nineteen years, thinking that once you find that right person, all the waiting is going to have been worth it. Then something comes along and although it's not extraordinary, it's comforting. You feel like you are half of something, and you think that half of something is great. It simply makes you happy. And although there are problems, you get over them. Together. Things get better, and everything is alright again.

Then one day you follow your gut on a whim (you've always been one to follow your head instead) and you find out things you wish you didn't know. People get defensive. Words get thrown. Feelings get hurt. After this happens fifty times, the truth comes out. The truth was all a lie.

You can give everything you have to a person. You can love them with all you have. Then you realize they aren't the person you loved. You loved someone who was made up. You opened up to someone who couldn't even be honest about who they were. And you sit there feeling repulsed at yourself. How could I have missed this? You ask yourself angrily. How could I have been so naive? 

You start to reflect on every moment, every touch, every laugh. Was it real? Was any of it real? When's the last time things were right? And you just make yourself sad. You dig yourself a deep hole and you just sit in the bottom of it alone. Wondering why you ever gave in and trusted someone in the first place.

And as much as you try to tell yourself you don't regret any of it, it's difficult to make yourself actually believe that. Can you actually believe that? You're embarrassed. You were the last to know. You're angry. You're absolutely humiliated. And you're completely alone.

Because you can keep hitting redial but it's not going to do anything. It's not going to change everything that happened. You can't look at someone or something the same after they've been something you don't know. You're in pieces on the floor, wondering what you did to deserve this. How did I get myself into this mess?

Maybe one day you'll look back and think it wasn't that bad. Maybe you were being dramatic. But in the moment, you don't know how you're going to get through the night.

photo via (we heart it)


Erica said...

It'll get better. (hug)

And remember you felt, that wasn't a lie. Sometimes you love the wrong person, but that doesn't make the love wrong, it was just misplaced. It was real. At that moment it was real even if now if doesn't feel that way. I sometimes am relieved that I am not with my first love, so I can romanticize the memories and blur the bad parts. The pain of being with him was not worth the love I felt for him.

Erica said...

I really shouldn't recommend a sad song, but Soma by the Smashing Pumpkins was my go-to song and actually put stuff in perspective for me. Here are some of the lyrics...

Nothing left to say
And all I've left to do
Is run away
From you
And she led me on, down
With secrets I can't keep

Wrapped my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is your broken heart, your heart

PeeVee said...

Disillusionment is more dangerous to our minds than we realize; if we don't nip it in the bud, we might end up being disillusioned at life itself.

We all make mistakes in judgement, that's a given. But having the guts to admit that is true grit. You have it.

It hurts now. But it'll get better. You have to make it better. Because we all have out perfect stories written beforehand. Because you don't ever have to settle for 'comforting' again. Because you shouldn't feel half of something but complete and whole of everything.

Feel better soon.

P.S: I'm a regular reader though I haven't commented at all.

Sarah said...


Ashton King said...

I've been in your shoes. It sucks, and I know nothing I can write here in this little box can make it feel better. But I will be thinking about you and I do know that things will get better. You're a strong person and you'll pick yourself up.

Keep hanging in there, girl. One day you'll meet someone who's worth it ... completely.

David Rotherham said...

The truth to cling to in any asymmetrical relationship is, that only your treatment of them is a reflection on, or measure of, you as a person. Their behaviour only reflects on or measures themselves. Walk away with a clear conscience; go on being who you want to be to other people; and go on dropping the unworthy ones as soon as you see the signs, until you are left with one who deserves you.

sophie isabelle said...

i've never been in this situation - i'm still with my first love, and hopefully won't have to go through it...

so i can't offer up any advice, it would be wrong of me to do so.

but i will say, from reading your blog, i can tell you're a strong person - and you'll walk away from this, stronger.

Liesl said...

I had your blog left open to read this post of yours, which I saw yesterday while on your blog about Halloween costumes. Well, I just got to it and I complete related to what you were saying was so well written, open and honest, thank you for that!

I had a similar thing happen to me a few years back and when my instincts got too strong to ignore, I discovered the reality, which everyone whom I told said should be a is almost too much to believe. It knocked me down for quite some time and I kept having those "was that real" moments and "did that really happen" and then feeling foolish when I realized all that was going on...amazing!

However, it does get better in time, but time is definitely needed! Sending a few extra smiles your way! :) :) :)

Liesl :)


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