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Sunday, November 06, 2011

Can you be friends with your ex?

"Your ex is an ex because he's an EXample of what you don't want to be with." 
"If he's your ex, it's for a reason."

Sure, you may not be dating anymore, but does that mean you stop caring altogether? If you spent so much time and gave so much of a commitment to someone, can you really give up on them, no matter what happened? I mean, if you really loved someone...you love them no matter what. Right?

It's a really tough decision. You can dump someone, hate them for a while, stop talking to them...but what happens if you can't help but come back to them? Not because you're lonely, but because you genuinely care? If you love someone, you have to love all of them. So say that I'm stupid for what I'm doing, but you can't blame me for caring too much.

So my question is, is it possible to be friends with your ex? Especially if your relationship didn't end so well. Is it possible to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, make amends and then go back to "just friends?" Is it too tough and painful to do, or is it worth it? 

I'm the kind of person who asks around when I need advice. I don't rely on one person; I ask anyone and everyone what they think. And on this subject, I'm getting 50/50. Some people say that it's a great idea: easier to cope, the friendship is saved, and maybe one day you can be back together under better terms. But the cons make me worry if they are worth the pros. Downsides: you confuse yourself and the other person. There still may be some resentment. Mixed feelings. It could end even worse than the relationship did. Can you trust them? What if old feelings come up? What do you do?

What should I do?

I want to be friends, because I genuinely care. I want him in my life. I want to be in his. Maybe we weren't meant to work out in other ways. But I can't let go of all aspects. We get each other like no one else can come close to.

I guess I'm not looking for advice, but guidance. Nobody wants to get hurt. But when you meet someone who genuinely makes you happy, not as a significant other but as a person, it makes you stop and think. Now I just wish I could decide what's best.

10 comments:

kay said...

I know exactly what you're going through because I'm in the same place right now. Truth is I was so hurt from our break up that I want to stay away from him till I recover, but I really cannot afford to lose him as a friend because he really gets me like no one else. So maybe taking a little time off to heal and then taking the friendship step is a good way to go about it.

RAY J said...

You can... eventually. From experience, trying to be friends right away or soon after never seems to work. Too many emotions are still high, the jealousy when you or him start seeing someone else, etc. Years down the road though when you've both moved on and had time to look back and put that all in the past then yeah, it can work. But unless it was completely mutual, then no. It doesn't really work right away.

My high school boyfriend and I... we had a rough break-up, I started seeing someone else and yeah... friends would have been nice but there was too much hurt and it just didn't happen right away. It was a few years (after not talking or seeing each other for a good 2 years or so) that we were able to be civil and hang out as friends, etc... although not entirely sure why he removed me, hubby (they were old friends in high school) and my sis from his friendslist on Facebook =/

latenightthought said...

hey,musing of a wannabe star, i was once in the same situation that you are now. i had a relation of 5 years then due to communication gap and long distance we broke up. even now when i go back home and if he is home and not busy flying airplanes, we meet and hang out. i am in a different relation now, and its been four years. but i realized something vital this summer when my ex asked me for a favor, he wanted to visit a psychiatrist and i jumped to help him. it was only later that i realized that i still had a soft corner, the one that you mention in you blog about *always being there to care* for him. and all this time i had been lying to myself saying, no i dont love him any more where as i did and never still do and i dont know if a day will come if i will ever stop. somethings are hard to let go of when you share the *first* of everything with that person, car ride, kiss, hug, late nights....
i dont encourage you to be friends for your feelings for him will never fade and it might hamper the relation you are in now!
but well, we can only show you the way, the decision is yours. take it wisely!

AkoustiK said...

Hey :)
Sure you can be friends.
I'm still friends with my ex. The thing is I hate to call him my ex,because it's really jarring to my ears. He took the efforts to make sure that our friendship remained intact. It had been really painful initially because it's not easy to accept someone who has always meant more to you, with whom you have shared cherishable moments, as a mere friend. I still miss being with him. You might have figured by reading one of posts. I can't just cut anyone out of my life. He cares for me and I really do care for him. I guess that's what love is all about. I look for advice too, but in the end do what you feel like. :)
Good luck
:)

Kalei's Best Friend said...

As you said 'an ex is an ex'...If you had kids from the relationship, then YES to be civil for the kids is important... I know I can't and will never be friends w/my ex bf.. and I would hope any female that knew me would know to not get involved w/him.. besides who wants someone's leftovers?

Ashton King said...

I've been where you are now.

It worked for awhile, but the situation ultimately imploded upon itself.

I've blogged about it a couple of times (http://ashtonking09.blogspot.com/2010/07/rise-fall-of-friendship.html) because it truly was hurtful the way things ended up between us.

But this isn't me saying you shouldn't try. Even though it doesn't always work out, sometimes the journey is more meaningful than the destination.

Erica said...

In my experience, no you can't.
I can't be just friends with someone I once loved. It's too hard. And eventually, that person will find another girlfriend and girls don't like when their guys are still friends with the ex. But again, that's been my experience.

Ask.Shias.Advice said...

I agree with Erica...it might seem doable in the beginning but when he moves on or you move on...problems will arise. He'll get a gf or you will get a bf... she/he wont want him to talk to you/him, etc. I think the whole wanting to be friends is because you're not ready to move on. It hurts when relationships end. You get accustomed to how things are...having that person to talk to, hang out with, etc and when that is over you'd rather think of being friends than being without them. Unfortunately, it's probably just better to move on now and not try to muddle everything even more with the possibility of being friends.

♥ Shia

Jennifer said...

It's not fair to the new girl. It's also not fair to the new boy on your side. Simple as that.

I Love You More Than... said...

I have yet to achieve friendships with any of my exes (because they're asses), but my boyfriend has managed to maintain friendship with all of his exes. In fact, his exes & I have become good friends. The key is not burning bridges. Take a break from each other so it will sink in that you're no longer together & then give it a shot. What's the worst thing that could happen?

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