Tuesday, May 08, 2012

On giving him a second chance.

photo via
You can't change someone. It's a lesson that I have yet to learn, although I know the idea all too well.

I feel like I have to 'save' the people I love: if something happens to them, I need to make things better. If they are stuck in a rough spot, it's MY responsibility to get them out. I know that it shouldn't be that way. But it's how I feel. It's a habit I need to break. You can't change someone.

I'm not saying that people don't change.

In the past, I was set in stone on the idea that people could never change. But since then, I've seen proof firsthand that they can. Unfortunately, something major has to happen in order for a person to realize that something needs to change. Something has to scare them, frighten them, really. Something important has to be put on the line. Or if they're really blind, the consequences have to be painted out in black and white. But if they are supposed to make the change, they will. Sooner or later, it WILL happen. And it's your choice if you're going to stick around and wait for the results, if any.

A few months ago, I took a leap of faith. My heart was on the line; I was a mess inside and out. I really cared about someone, but he was one of those people that just wasn't changing. It was frustrating; it hurt. I felt like I wasn't worth the effort. And although I tried and I tried to make him change, to make things right, it just wasn't working. No progress was happening. But as soon as I backed off and let him be, he woke up, so to speak. And the loss and confusion hit him hard.

People question my decision to this day. Why wait around on someone that has hurt you? People don't change, and if he didn't change before for you, why would he now?

What they DON'T see is that I never asked him to change for me. What he was doing was only hurting himself. I couldn't change what he was doing, he had to want it for himself. Maybe I helped move the process along by disappearing. But when he made that change for himself, when he made his life better, I only cared about him more. He was doing what he needed to do, not what he should do, and I respect him for making that choice. That's why I feel comfortable being with someone who yes, has hurt me. Sure, things were tough before. But if someone is willing to make amends, try harder, and give 110%, maybe they do deserve a second chance. I stand by my decision. If you cannot respect my personal decision, please do not comment. It has nothing to do with you and it never will. But I am a grown woman and I know what is best for me. If it all goes to hell within time? We simply weren't meant to be. I made this choice consciously, and I am going to follow through with it with everything I have in me.

I'm starting to learn more about change. It's terrifying, it's intimidating, it's difficult sometimes. But change doesn't always have to be bad. Sometimes it's exactly what you need.


Grace D. said...

I respect you.'s not for anyone else to judge. Love is one of those things I don't think I will ever understand. My parents are still together and say they love each other after my dad had an affair and had a kid with another woman...

That's something that I don't understand right now. but you're right people do change and make amends. And maybe the trials that you've been through together will make you stronger, and closer.

Ashton King said...

"I couldn't change what he was doing, he had to want it for himself."

Love that line.

The same thing kind of happened between me and Chris. We don't talk about it now that it's been resolved, but at the time my heart broke. But I think that rough patch made us stronger as a couple and made us realize how much we really need each other.

I know it's a cliche, but when something is meant to be it will be, and no amount of rough spots will keep it from being.

Good luck to you both. I hope everything keeps moving forward :)

Maddie Shae said...

Not only do I 100% agree with your decision,but I needed to hear this,badly. I'm going to back off a bit,and let things happen as they need to happen. Thank you so much!!

Ioana-Carmen said...

Hello doll! I`m watching your blog for a while! do you wanna follow each other? kisses

$|<@77€®|\/|1|\||)€|) said...

Hey, you know exactly what I think about this before I even read it today ha. I was like, "this sounds familiar... waittttt." haha good post and I do like it.


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