Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Time to take my life back.

I haven't written anything truly...personal in a long time. A year ago I was filling this blog with all of my thoughts and emotions, dwelling on little things and making them big things. I was probably sharing too much, but I felt like I was figuring myself out. But for almost a year now, I haven't been like that.

It's not only affecting my blog, but it's affecting my life. Almost a year ago, I had my heart truly broken. It changed me so much, and I have to admit, to this day I still feel wounded at random. I try so hard to shake it off, but it's a part of me. It doesn't always stick around and it isn't consistent, but when it comes back, it's unexpected and it's a low blow.

Sure, I made a decision to take a leap of faith again. But I feel like I've been trying to play it safe. I've been keeping a safe distance, being careful and easy on my heart. I've been worried to try too hard, I'm worried I'm going to get hurt again. Being back with someone who you love but has hurt you more than anyone is something no one should have to go through. But if you really care about someone, you're willing to take a chance. That's what I realized.

I was willing to take the chance, but I wasn't truly taking it. I was present, but I wasn't involved. This isn't just about my relationship, it's about my entire life. I've been playing it safe: with friendships, love, school and all other aspects of my life. I've been watching my life from the sidelines because I got knocked down in the last quarter. I'm scared to get back in and risk a worse injury that could potentially pull me from the rest of the season.

But I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm tired of waiting to "make sure" that I'm making the right decisions. I don't know that I am, and I won't until there is a definite success or failure. But what I can do is just live in the moment: be happy with who I'm with and what I have. I should be moving forward and being a big girl. I need to take charge of my life (and my happiness) once again.

I'm the only one in charge of me. I can make the difference that I need to in my life, but I need to do it now. No more being cautious; now is the time to take charge and make a change. I'm going to love deeper, laugh harder and live more passionately. Life has been passing me by while I wait for things to fall into place. I'm realizing that the only time is now, and I've got to get back in the game - -the game of life.


M├Ągi said...

First, goodness, I've missed your personal posts. I'm going to be frank in saying that posts on movies and music just didn't connect with me at all.

But now, this. Dang! You nailed it, girl.

That second paragraph speaks to my latest life situation so well. I keep thinking I'm fine and then all of a sudden something will happen, making me feel peculiar all over again, like someone is shoving a dull pencil into an unhealed wound. I'm sick of it! Sick sick sick of it.

And I don't want anything like this to happen again. Playing it safe, for now. Protecting my heart. You're tired of playing it safe. It's my refuge, right now.

I'm active, loving life, but there is one realm of life I'm standing wide clear from.

Thanks for putting up this post.

Grace D. said...

Love your personal posts as well. :) This is a great post. So much awareness.

Ashton King said...

Not many people know this, but my fiance and I actually went through a really bad break-up about a year into our relationship. We didn't stay apart very long, but if I ever think about that time I still feel incredibly hurt over the whole thing. However, I'm the happiest I have ever been with him. I think that bump actually made our relationship stronger, if that makes any sense.

the_expressive_introvert said...

I totally relate to this post, been playing it safe for a long time now and what i have come to realize is that the only way to overcome life's "bumps" and i use that term loosely is to get in there again.


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